"Dude, you broke up with Vera! Sorry man. But hey, at least now you and I can go clubbing together, am I right?" Those were the first words out of Justin's mouth when I told him about Vera.
"I'm not going to go 'clubbing'. Normal women are a waste of my time."
"First of all, I know for a fact that there are some very hot women in Estveria. Two-hundred-and-eighty-eight, according to my most recent data."
I took a second to look through his smartphone's algorithms. Couldn't find a flaw in the math.
"But that's not the important bit. You aren't going out so that you can sleep with one of the 288, you're doing it so that you can forget about Vera. If you just sit here moping, you'll never recover."
"I can recover without sleeping with random women, thank you very much."
"No, you can't. The last time you lost a girlfriend, you coped by beginning a lifelong career as a supervillain. You do not have the emotional development to recover on your own."
I considered pointing out that someone with a list of 288 hot women in Estveria shouldn't lecture anyone about emotional development, but I realized he was right.
"Fine. I'll go with you on your wild goose chase of lust. But there's one thing I want to do first."
Justin and I spent the next half hour filling Vera's inbox with every spam message on the internet. It did make me feel a little better.
After a little bit of discussion, Justin and I decided not to hit an Estverian bar. It would be awkward for me to sleep with my own subjects, and, more importantly, the Estverian night life sucked.I was not very popular in Russia after stealing one of their nuclear weapons, so that country was out. In the end, we decided to go with Ukraine.
"North Ukraine, definitely. That's where all the hot chicks are."
"I'll take your word for it," I said, as I set my private jet to take us there."
During the flight, he gave me some tips. "Don't go for eights or higher. They're out of your league."
"I'm a genius who rules a county and can fly. How can an eight be out of my league?"
"Because you look like a total nerd."
"I don't wear glasses."
"You're still a complete nerd. Which brings me to my next piece of advice. Don't be a complete nerd. Don't go up to some girl and start talking about aerodynamics. Don't open with a line about computers. Be normal."
"No. If someone doesn't appreciate my joke about the neutrino, I don't want to sleep with them."
Justin chuckled when I mentioned the neutrino joke. "It is hilarious. But seriously, if you want to get a date tonight, you might want to lower the bar on the particle physics requirement."
"I'm not going to relax my standards just to get revenge on Vera by sleeping around. We can go to a university town, I can find someone."
"Okay. Well, then, you're going to need some specific information I'e learned in university towns in the past. First of all, don't pretend to be a professor until you know what university it is..." And so my lessons went.
"What do you mean, 'Neutrino's aren't funny'! They're hilarious. They can enter mass eigenstates which involve flavor oscillations. Comedy gold!"
The woman is was hitting on walked away. Good riddance. I identified another woman. Another target, as Justin would say. "Hello," I said. "I'm Phoenix."
She threw her drink in my face.
Another woman seemed to be attracted by this. "Hey. I think it's sexy that you're a villain."
"You're turned on by the fact that I've killed people before?"
I made a point of avoiding her the rest of the night.
One by one, I eliminated most of the women in the bar. Most of them lacked the intelligence to be worthy o my respect. The rest suffered from the fact that they either hated my or were disgustingly infatuated with me.
I am not especially good looking. I'm of medium height and have unkempt dark hair. Nobody would ever say I look physically intimidating, although I have been described as 'mentally intimidating.'
I ended up going home that night, alone. Justin stayed in a hotel with three women, which I tried to avoid thinking about.