Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Tea Time

Lucy was sad. Phoenix was barely talking to her. He said he was busy studying a Disease, and that he was finally making breakthroughs. This made Lucy worried. She knew Phoenix. She knew that he had a lot of interests. She was worried that she might not be one of them.
He might lock himself in a lab, and not come out until he had... what would he call it... a weapon of sufficient technological beauty to render all existing arsenals obsolete. He would say it... exploited various abstract scientific principles he gleaned from studying Demented's work. He'd still be working out some of the underlying concepts himself, but he'd have a general understanding of the necessary science.
As Lucy thought in Phoenix's voice, she realized how easily he would forget about her if he spent too much time in his lab. He was a genius, but he was always distracting himself with new science.
And Lucy knew she couldn't survive without Phoenix. He was the only one to protect her. Even Centurion was only there to protect the New Archivist. Without Phoenix, she would have nobody to talk to. Also, the New Archivist would eat her life.
Lucy's sadness was interrupted by a Fortarian. "Hello," Lucy said. The Fortarian language hurt her throat, but Fortarians couldn't learn Earth languages.
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, here is some tea."
"Thank you." Lucy didn't like the tea the Fortarians gave her. But it was the only Earth food they could cook. They made it for her a lot. She took the tea.
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, are you going to drink that."
Lucy didn't want to drink it. But she didn't want the Fortarians to be sad. So she had some.

I think this is the opportunity for some character deconstruction. What would I have done if confronted with a tea-wielding alien? What about Mephiostopheles? Professor Cognis? Let's talk about me first.

"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, here is some tea."
"In case I hadn't made it clear before, I don't want your tea. I don't drink tea when it is prepared by the finest robotic chefs on Earth."
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, we would be offended it you didn't drink it."
"My taste-buds would be offended if I did."
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, this is a grave insult."
"You pretty much already said that, you redundant prick."
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, we will have to ask you to leave this ship if you don't drink the tea."
"I don't think you have much of a choice in the matter. While my conversation occupied, let's be generous, four percent of my brain, and playing tic-tac-toe with myself occupied another seven percent, the remaining eighty-nine percent was busy taking control of this ship. I now have access to all of your advanced science and weapons."
And then I'd ride off triumphantly into the sunset, with epic music playing in the background. And get the girl.
What about Mephistopheles?

"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, here is some tea."
Mephistopheles would think for a second. He would judge this peon an unimportant annoyance, and terminate him. The Fortarians wouldn't really care about the murder, as long as they could convince themselves he had tasted the tea.
What would Cognis have done?

"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, here is some tea."
"Now, I don't especially like this tea, but I recognize that my drinking it is important to you. I'm sure we can work out some sort of bipartisan solution that satisfies both of us."
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, what?"
"Suppose I prepared the tea myself, and you served it to me. Would that be acceptable to you?"
"In the name of the great and infinitely knowledgeable Fortarian Emperor, ruler of the universe and all it contains, master of all the stars and planets, just drink the tea."
"Could I add or remove things to the tea you prepared?"
The negotiations would last several weeks, and Cognis would win a Nobel peace prize for his efforts.

As it turns out, any of these approaches would have been preferable to Lucy's since the tea was poisoned.

1 comment:

  1. While my conversation with occupied ro While my conversation occupied

    ReplyDelete